Tuesday, June 30, 2009

stillness is the move

a couple of things have derailed me from properly updating this blog that i cherish so dearly.

in april, i decided to move out of my old place. i couldn't handle the extreme pressure of feeling like there was no forward motion in my life. as of april '09, i had only amassed a measly 20 gigs. not that i should've had the audacity to compare 2009 to 2008, but imagine the shock: in 2008 we played at least 150 shows, opened up for primus in quebec city, and performed to 150,000 people in russia. that kind of year is almost impossible to replicate.

i felt that i had worked very hard to "make it" in the music business (whatever that means), and i found myself desperately calling musicians and songwriters for opportunities to play shows.

no such luck.

i thought, "well, this is it. 2009 is going to be a weak year for you. go get a real job and fix up your tumultuous relationship with your girlfriend."

at this low point in mid-april, i remembered that i did have a couple of potential shows lined up in may. i contacted those musicians and reassured them that i was ready, willing, and able to do some fun, albeit non-paying gigs. we did a show called shredfest V at the rotunda in may, and my life turned around a bit.

i was spiritually uplifted. and then i understood why i play music in the first place. i had gotten myself into a depression over what? having no constant income? no exposure? none of that matters.

sure enough, the second i had started to question my despicable ego-driven behavior, i get e-mails from project/object and adrian belew: "make sure you clear your schedule, we have a bunch of tour dates coming up." and isn't that how it always goes? we let go, we stop grasping for our desires. that's when they arrive like clockwork.

of course, two weeks later my girlfriend breaks up with me. inevitable and easy, and yet the knife still hurts like a bitch even when it's dull. i will say that i am happy now. well, except when those crippling pains come at 3 am, as i come to the sad realization that i've been spooning with my pillow for hours.

i have a new place, new friends, and i've been writing and painting. i have no reason to complain.

anyway, because non-sequitur is my middle name, here is an excellent youtube:


Matt said...

Looking forward to playing - maybe we should make some musique concrete together...

Steve Kostelecky said...

Ride the wave. We're all pulling for you.

cyrus ghahremani said...

amen! i'm in the process of a similar creative upheaval, moving to portland from san diego ... though i'll have to leave my drums and most of my mics in california.

come west next time you need to jam!!